Understanding Top-Down and Bottom-Up Behaviors

As child psychologist Mona Delahooke explains, when your child shows challenging behaviors, like hitting or yelling, it’s essential to ask yourself, “Is this behavior top-down or bottom-up?”

This distinction helps us better understand how to respond and support our child’s growth effectively.

Understanding the Difference:

1. Top-Down Behaviors:
   • These behaviors are intentional, involving planning and decision-making.
   • They come from the prefrontal cortex, the “executive center” of the brain.
   • Because the prefrontal cortex takes years to fully develop, young children often struggle to control impulses or explain their feelings, even when prompted to “use their words.”
2. Bottom-Up Behaviors:
   • • These are stress-driven, subconscious reactions aimed at self-protection.
     • Rooted in the limbic system, particularly the amygdala, these reactions are automatic responses to a perceived threat.
     • Examples include impulsive hitting, yelling, or other “fight or flight” responses, which are not intentional but instinctive.

How to Respond When Your Child Reacts Out of Stress:

• Stay Calm and Centered 🌬️
  • Children pick up on our energy. Try to stay calm yourself, taking a few deep breaths if needed. When you model calmness, it signals safety to your child’s brain.
  • Tip: Place your hand on your heart and take three slow breaths, showing them how to calm their breathing, too.
• Create a Sense of Safety 🛡️
  • Since bottom-up behaviors often emerge from a feeling of threat, focus on making your child feel safe. Rather than reacting with punishment or frustration, approach with empathy.
  • Phrase to Use: “You seem really upset right now. I’m here to help you feel safe.”
• Connect First, Correct Later ❤️
  • Correcting a behavior is more effective once your child has calmed down and feels connected. Connection helps engage the prefrontal cortex, allowing your child to reflect on their actions afterward.
  • Example: After your child has calmed down, say, “Let’s talk about what happened. Can you tell me how you were feeling?”
• Acknowledge Their Feelings 🎭
  • Use empathetic language to acknowledge your child’s feelings. Recognizing emotions doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps your child feel understood and supported.
  • Example: “I see that you felt frustrated. It’s okay to feel that way, but it’s not okay to hit.”
• Introduce Simple Self-Regulation Tools 🧘
  • For younger children, complex self-regulation strategies might not be effective, but simple ones can help. Offer calming tools that don’t rely on verbal processing.
  • Examples: Breathing exercises, squeezing a stress ball, or giving themselves a big, tight hug.
• Set Clear, Calm Boundaries 🚦
  • Once your child is calm, gently reinforce limits in a way they can understand.
  • Phrase to Use: “When you feel frustrated, let’s find another way to let it out. Hitting is not okay. Let’s think of something we can do instead.”
• Help Your Child Identify Their Triggers 🔍
  • After a situation has calmed down, talk to your child about what might have made them feel stressed. Learning to recognize their triggers is the first step toward helping them avoid stress-based reactions in the future.
  • Example: “What happened just before you felt upset? Was there something that made you feel uncomfortable?”